Divorce Communication Tips: How to Keep Conversations Calm and Productive

Going through a divorce or facing a parentage matter are among life’s most difficult and stressful experiences.  Effective communication isn’t just a courtesy—it’s crucial for making the process smoother, less toxic, and more cost-effective. Here are some practical tips for communicating with your spouse or coparent during your case.

Why Communication Is so Important in Divorce and Parenting Cases

Many wonder why communication is so essential to a less aversive and more successful divorce process.  “Why do I have to pretend to be friends with this person, when we’re going through a divorce?” is a common question clients ask. Clear, consistent communication helps avoid misunderstandings and conflicts, which are often the root cause of prolonged legal battles. This is especially an issue when the whole reason you are divorcing or going through divorce litigation with another person is a fundamental lack of communication or lack of ability to discuss important matters civilly.

Clear communication and dialogue are crucial for resolving your case. Although you and your lawyer strive to ‘win’ and achieve a good outcome, the tone you set with your spouse directly influences your family attorney‘s approach. If your relationship is combative and strained with your spouse or coparent, that will inevitably result in your attorney adopting your approach and your communication methods.  If you and your spouse cannot work out simple agreements together, that means the lawyers and the judges must.  This is especially true in cases where there are minor children – often the most difficult and stressful part of a divorce. Maintaining a positive relationship for the sake of the children ensures their well-being and stability during and post-divorce.

Related Blog: Handling High-Conflict Divorces: Tips for Preserving Your Sanity and Rights

Common Communication Challenges

Feelings of anger, sadness, and fear often arise during conversations with your spouse, complicating communication.  If you are feeling those things, you can and should expect that your spouse is feeling them too.  These emotions, along with practical concerns, can make effective communication difficult.

There are also logistical and practical considerations you should be cognizant of – for example, your spouse’s work obligations and yours.  If you are going to be discussing your case or your children, try to find a low-key time of their day to approach the issue.  Do not do it in front of, or in the presence of, your children.  Be mindful that this experience is somewhat sensitive and personal and understand that even if they filed the divorce case. They probably have a lot of emotions which makes them additionally sensitive to direct contact with you.

If there are legal restrictions in place barring communication, such as an Order of Protection or an Order that specifies that you will communicate using a court-purpose communication application, follow those directives to the letter and do not contact them outside of those parameters.

Another challenge you can anticipate in communicating with your spouse or coparent is taking conversations about the children and their interests and the potential that the other spouse will be turning those conversations (or lack thereof) into a litigation tactic or strategy. 

What Are the Best Ways to Communicate During a Divorce or Parental Case

If you and your coparent have a challenging relationship, it can be best to stick to written communication for clarity and record-keeping.  Follow the BIFF method: Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm, and maintain a respectful tone.  Regardless of how you feel about this person or the things they have done to you, your child has a right and it is in their best interests that you and your coparent are able to get along.

Consider a Mediator or Parenting Coordinator

If speaking directly is not working, it’s always wise to consider bringing a neutral third party in to facilitate discussions, like a mediator or a parenting coordinator if you have sufficient financial resources.  A parenting coordinator is a person who is authorized to interpret and enforce parenting agreements and judgments, as well as to assist in making decisions outside of the scope of the judgments over disputed issues with the parents.

Handling Emotional Conversations

Even when you use the best communication strategies, miscommunication and strife can still occur.  It’s also wise to set boundaries for communication with your coparent. You can exit the conversation if it becomes harassing or abusive.  Another strategy is to use “I” statements (for example, “I feel stress and anxiety when you accuse me of giving our child diaper rash.”).

Legal Considerations for Effective Communication in Divorce

When spouses disagree, their communications often become evidence in court, so it’s crucial to be mindful of what you say. Digital and written communication offers clarity and consistency, but remember that anything you write can be used in court.  If you have questions or concerns about how to communicate with your spouse/coparent, it’s a good idea to run a proposed text by your attorney or trusted advisor before sending it.

Talk It Out: Communication for Smoother Divorce

It’s important during your family law case to try to have smooth communication with your spouse or coparent.  Smooth communication with your spouse or coparent is essential for resolving issues swiftly and minimizing stress.   Good communication can help facilitate faster agreements, better allocation of responsibilities. It can also diminish stress on your children if you are going through this process with children If your efforts to establish good communication with your partner or coparent fail, seek professional help. An attorney, mediator, or parenting coordinator can significantly reduce stress in your coparenting or divorcing relationship.  Effective communication is key to navigating your divorce smoothly.

If you’re struggling to communicate with your spouse or coparent, our experienced family law and divorce attorneys in Chicago are here to help. Contact us today to schedule a consultation and get the support you need.

Common Questions our Clients have about Divorce and Communication

What should I avoid saying during a divorce conversation?

• Avoid making accusations or using inflammatory language during conversations with your ex. Keep communication focused on practical matters and your children’s well-being. Consider consulting your attorney before sending any written communication that could be used in court.

How can I communicate with my spouse during a divorce without escalating conflict?

• To keep conversations calm and productive during a divorce, try the BIFF method: Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. This approach helps you avoid emotional triggers, focus on the facts, and communicate clearly without escalating conflict. It’s especially helpful in high-conflict divorces or when emotions run high.

What role can a mediator or parenting coordinator play in divorce communication?

• A mediator or parenting coordinator can help facilitate discussions, enforce parenting agreements, and reduce the stress of direct communication. They can assist in resolving disputes and ensuring both parties adhere to court orders.