Divorce is never easy. It involves ending a significant relationship, dividing assets, and managing daily responsibilities, all while dealing with intense emotions. The difficulty increases when minor children are involved. In many cases, both parties aim to resolve the divorce quickly and with minimal conflict and legal expenses. However, some divorces escalate into high-conflict situations, where one party is determined to make the process as difficult, painful, and expensive as possible—even for those who file first. These high-conflict divorces require special strategies to manage effectively. Let’s review practical guidelines to help you navigate the complexities of a high-conflict divorce in Chicagoland. The aim is to help you focus on maintaining your well-being and protecting your rights.
Understanding High-Conflict Divorces:
What Constitutes a High Conflict Divorce?
High-conflict divorces often involve one party who does not want the marriage to end. They might go to great lengths, either themselves or through their attorneys, to make life difficult for their spouse. This can even include people who file for divorce first. Recognizing the nature of a high-conflict divorce is the first step in preparing to manage it effectively.
Often, a high-conflict divorce requires constant communication between multiple parties. These include the lawyers, the divorcing parties, the judge, and any court-appointed professionals such as a Guardian ad litem or a mental health or custody evaluator. It is imperative to take steps to manage your emotional stress and minimize the impact on your children and your own well-being.
Related Article: Do You Have a Complex Divorce? What You Need to Know
What Makes a Divorce Contentious?
A divorce becomes contentious when one or both spouses engage in conflict during the legal process, often due to unresolved emotional issues, financial disputes, or disagreements over child custody. Several factors can contribute to making a divorce contentious:
- Unresolved Emotional Conflict: One spouse may be unwilling to accept the end of the marriage, leading to efforts to prolong or complicate the divorce process. Resentment, anger, or feelings of betrayal can escalate conflict and make cooperation difficult.
- Financial Disagreements: Dividing assets, especially in high-net-worth cases, can lead to disputes over property, investments, and alimony. If one spouse believes they are entitled to more or accuses the other of hiding assets, the divorce can become particularly contentious.
- Custody Battles: Disagreements over child custody and parenting time are common sources of contention. When both parents want primary custody or disagree about what is best for their children, the conflict can escalate.
- Lack of Communication: Poor communication or a complete breakdown in communication between spouses can make the divorce process more difficult and contentious. Misunderstandings or assumptions about the other spouse’s actions or intentions often fuel the conflict.
Strategies to Minimize the Effects of High-Conflict (or Contentious) Divorces
How Do you Deal With a High Conflict Divorce or Spouse in a Divorce?
High-conflict divorces can take a significant emotional and financial toll. Without restrictions, here are some strategies to minimize the effects of high-conflict divorce and challenging times:
- Engage a Mental Health Professional
Start working with a mental health counselor or therapist with experience helping persons going through high-conflict divorces and custody battles. Working with a therapist is a great gift to give yourself – a designated time to regularly check in with your own needs and set your own health as a priority. Doing this will also help avoid the risk that you will be unloading your emotions on the people around you – specifically, your children.
- Stay Physically Active
Going for long walks or runs can be beneficial. A jog through a park is a great opportunity to disrupt your mental fixation on litigation. Give your mind something else to think about, such as regulating your breathing, the weather, your feet hitting the pavement, the music you are listening to, or your meal plans after the run. If you enjoy walks around your community, a park, or your neighborhood, you can find things to look at that will help disrupt your mental flow and give your mind a break from worrying.
- Call in Your Support Network
Call In the Squad. You know what this means – call your people and spend some time with them. If you are used to being the strong, silent type who just deals with everything with a stiff upper lip and grit, it can be very easy to feel isolated and alone going through a high-conflict divorce. Avoid the temptation to lock yourself away from the people who love you; let them in and let them support you.
- Pick Up a New Hobby
Pick up a new (inexpensive) hobby. Anything that interests you that isn’t connected in some way to your ex.
Practical and Legal Considerations in High-Conflict Divorces
There are other things you will need to do to protect yourself in a high-conflict divorce case.
Hire an Experienced Attorney
Securing a skilled attorney who specializes in high-conflict divorces is essential. This should be a divorce attorney who has experience with high-conflict divorces and can facilitate the quickest possible settlement or resolution.
They will:
- Advocate for Your Interests: Protect your rights throughout the legal process.
- Provide Clear Guidance: Explain complex legal terms and procedures, ensuring you understand each step.
- Facilitate Resolutions: Aim for the quickest possible settlement or resolution to minimize legal expenses and emotional strain.
As with any relationship, the attorney you choose will be someone you need to be able to communicate with.
Communicate Effectively With Your Spouse and Your Attorney
Communicating With Your Spouse
- Focus on Specific Events: Rather than making broad accusations like “you did this” or “he did that,” focus on specific events and ask questions. For instance, if you notice your spouse has recently spent significant money on a ticket to Paris after the divorce was filed, calmly learn more about the expense and its necessity. This approach helps gather information without escalating the conflict.
- Stay Calm and Composed: Emotions can run high during a high-conflict divorce, but it’s essential to communicate calmly. Starting with accusations or anger can be counterproductive, even though anger is a perfectly acceptable emotion in this context. Keeping a level head helps maintain credibility and fosters more productive discussions.
Communicating With Your Attorney
- Be Specific and Fact-Based: Provide your attorney with detailed and factual information. Avoid vague statements and focus on concrete examples. This helps your attorney understand the situation better and offer more precise advice.
- Involve Your Attorney When Necessary: If direct communication with your spouse is unproductive or escalates the conflict, let your attorney handle the issue. They can manage communications professionally and investigate any concerns you have.
- Ask Questions: If you notice any significant financial activities, such as your spouse spending large amounts of money after the divorce was filed, ask your attorney to investigate. Avoid making accusations directly; instead, use your attorney to gather necessary information.
Related Article: https://illinoislawforyou.com/blog/5-ways-to-fast-track-your-divorce/ 5 Ways to “Fast Track” Your Divorce
Consider Mediation
Another strategy for communication and, hopefully, resolution, is mediation. Mediation provides an opportunity for a supportive, solutions-focused meeting with your spouse to reach a mutually beneficial agreement. This process aims to resolve the case through agreement, avoiding ongoing legal battles, additional legal expenses, and litigation risks.
Mediation can sometimes offer a resolution in high-conflict divorces, but its success depends on several factors:
- Assess Willingness to Participate: Both parties must genuinely want to find a resolution. In high-conflict cases, one party might be too entrenched in their position for mediation to work.
- Identify Power Imbalances: Significant power imbalances can make mediation unsafe or unfair. If one party is domineering or abusive, mediation might not be suitable.
- Choose an Experienced Mediator: A skilled mediator can manage emotions, facilitate communication, and keep discussions focused. They can also recognize when mediation isn’t working and suggest other approaches.
- Include Legal Representation: Some mediations can include, on the agreement of the parties, their lawyers. This ensures that the parties are not agreeing to something that is legally worse for them than they would get at trial or that is essentially against their best interests. Discuss this option with your lawyer when selecting a representative to assist you in the divorce case.
- Prioritize Safety: In cases of domestic violence or severe emotional abuse, prioritize safety over mediation. Discuss concerns with your attorney to find the best approach.
Preparing for Court
When mediation has failed to bring about a resolution, you are likely going to have to go to court to gain a resolution on the matter. There are several paths the divorce litigation process can take. You can take the case to a “pretrial conference” where your lawyer discusses your position on disputed issues, and then the judge listens to the opposing party’s attorney’s position on the issue. Then, the judge makes a recommendation about the issue (or issues). The attorneys then take the recommendations to the parties to attempt to resolve the matter by agreement.
If there is no agreement, the attorneys and their clients need to start preparing to go to trial – the big fight. Trial is a huge legal expense and undertaking, and frequently results in a worse outcome than if matters could be resolved by agreement. Unfortunately, frequently, when one or both parties cannot reach an agreement, they are necessary to reach finality in the case.
Post-Divorce Considerations
After the divorce is finalized, it’s common to experience feelings of grief and loss. Here’s how to move forward:
- Follow Court Orders: Adhere strictly to the terms set by the court, including custody arrangements, visitation schedules, and financial obligations.
- Get Support: Lean on your support network, including therapists, counselors, religious advisors, friends, and family. They can provide emotional support and guidance as you transition to the next phase of your life.
- Focus on Personal Growth: Engage in activities that promote your well-being. Pursue hobbies, stay physically active, and continue therapy to address any lingering emotional challenges.
Protecting Children’s Well-Being
High-conflict divorces can be especially hard on children. Protect their well-being by:
- Providing Stability: Maintain a consistent routine and environment to give your children a sense of security.
- Seeking Professional Help: Consider counseling for your children to help them process their emotions and experiences.
- Shielding Them from Conflict: Avoid involving children in disputes or speaking negatively about the other parent in their presence. Reassure them that they are loved and not responsible for the conflict.
Using Legal Protections
Temporary court orders for child custody, visitation, and support can provide structure and reduce disputes. Work with your attorney to ensure these orders are in place and that both parties adhere to them strictly. Legal protections can offer a framework that minimizes conflict and provides clear guidelines for both parties to follow.
Moving Forward
Getting through a high-conflict divorce is challenging. But, taking steps to maintain your physical and emotional health, leaning on your support network, and working closely with a qualified attorney can help you manage this difficult period. Focus on your well-being and that of your children as you work towards a resolution. Remember, you have the strength to get through this, and support is available to help you along the way.
If you’re going through a high-conflict divorce and need experienced legal guidance, don’t hesitate to contact our experienced divorce and family law team at Anderson & Boback. We’re here to help you navigate this challenging time and protect your rights. Reach out to us today for a consultation.
