Parental alienation is very serious. There is no “cure” if it continues for a long time. A parent cannot get back the lost time or missed moments with their child during this period of alienation. Depending on the duration and severity, the relationship may be lost permanently, and the child irreparably harmed.
Most people, including courts, agree that children need good relationships with both parents to grow into productive adults. Unfortunately, during divorce and separation, anger toward the other parent often becomes open and obvious, making this difficult.
How Parental Alienation Occurs
Parental alienation mainly happens through:
- Badmouthing: Criticizing and belittling the other parent or making sure the child believes the other parent is dangerous, crazy, or unworthy of love.
- Interfering with Contact: Arriving late or leaving early for visits, making excuses to cancel, refusing calls or contact with the other parent, excessive calling while the child is with the other parent, or supporting the child’s refusal to visit.
- Causing Rejection: Making the child feel guilty for loving the other parent, creating conflict between the child and that parent, forcing the child to choose sides, or discussing adult matters with the child.
- Undermining Child’s Relationship: Questioning the child about visits, asking the child to spy on the other parent, encouraging the child to use only first names, changing the child’s name to exclude the other parent, or asking for notes or photos during visits.
- Undermining the Other Parent: Refusing to share information about school, medical care, or activities; not informing schools, coaches, or doctors of the other parent’s contact; having stepparents refer to themselves as “Mom” or “Dad”; or excluding the other parent from events like birthday parties, graduations, or concerts.
Not Everything is Parental Alienation
Alienating behaviors by both parents are common in high-conflict divorces and may cause estrangement rather than alienation.
- Parental Alienation is a deliberate effort by one parent to distance the child from the other.
- Estrangement happens after conflicts or arguments between parents and child. The child’s feelings result from the parent’s behavior, not from deliberate alienation.
For example, a father who leaves his family for another woman and spends no time with his own children is likely to become estranged because the children feel hurt or disappointed.
Estrangement is Not Alienation
Estrangement results from a parent’s actions causing the child to feel betrayed and uninterested. In contrast, parental alienation is an active effort by one parent to make the child feel betrayed by the other parent.
An estranged parent may still blame the other parent for the child’s withdrawal. It is essential to assess both parents’ behavior and reactions.
- An alienated parent usually keeps trying to maintain the relationship, stays in touch, and uses the court system to fight for access. They don’t give up.
- An estranged parent may be more passive, hoping things will improve over time. They might not actively communicate or work on the relationship, waiting for the child to “come around.”
Both parental alienation and estrangement harm children. If you suspect parental alienation, please contact our family law attorneys for a confidential consultation.
How to Detect Parental Alienation
Detecting parental alienation is important in custody or divorce cases. Signs can be unclear, so it’s crucial to keep a detailed record of suspicious behavior, including dates, times, things said, and any “secrets” the child keeps.
As a Chicago child custody lawyer, I’ve seen alienating parents build secret bonds with children to push out the other parent.
Warning Signs of Parental Alienation
Look for these signs in your case:
- Quick to Anger: Alienated children often feel stressed and lack skills to cope, leading to anger outbursts.
- Low Self Esteem: When a child believes the other parent is bad, they may feel unworthy or bad themselves.
- No Impulse Control: Stress without maturity can cause children to lash out, fight, or make poor decisions.
- Separation Anxiety: Children may fear leaving the “safe” alienating parent to be with the “unsafe” alienated parent.
- Signs of Depression: Divorce is hard; alienation can worsen depression in children.
- Sleeping Problems: Fear of the alienated parent can cause nightmares or difficulty sleeping.
- Eating Disorders: Children may try to control something in their lives by developing eating issues to get attention.
- School Problems: Stress can cause difficulty concentrating and behavioral issues at school.
- Signs of Drug and Alcohol Abuse: Alienated children face higher risks of substance abuse because parental conflicts create no united front.
An Alienated Child Chooses a Side
Alienated children often firmly take the alienating parent’s side, seeing the other parent as entirely bad. Children usually face difficulties with both parents sometimes, but alienation causes a black-and-white view. The child usually shows no remorse for cutting out the alienated parent and may repeat hurtful words the alienator has used. This often extends to rejecting the alienated parent’s extended family, including grandparents, aunts, and uncles.
False Allegations and Narcissistic Parents
Sometimes, a narcissistic parent may be wrongly accused of alienation. Such parents may not understand why the child distances themselves and may falsely blame alienation.
Facing false claims of alienation? Contact us today to get the legal support you need to set the record straight.
Handling False Accusations
- Act quickly when falsely accused.
- Keep detailed diaries of events and statements during parenting time.
- Request a Guardian ad Litem (GAL) to evaluate and “reparent” the child.
- Seek court intervention if needed.
- Depose the accuser.
- Regularly communicate with adults around the child (teachers, counselors, coaches, religious leaders).
- Get the child therapy with professionals trained in divorce-related issues.
- Maintain your relationship with the child and follow court orders.
- Avoid negative interactions with the other parent.
- Never badmouth the other parent in front of the child.
Family courts take alienation seriously due to its long-term harm. Many states require parents to facilitate a relationship between the child and the other parent. Failure to do so can lead to loss of custody or supervised visitation.
Proving or Disproving Parental Alienation in Illinois
Parents who experienced alienation themselves may unconsciously engage in similar behaviors.
Family courts focus on the child’s best interests rather than assigning blame.
To prepare your case:
- Remember your relationship and time with your child are most important.
- Create a detailed chronology of events over time. Review it with family to capture all relevant details. True alienation will show clear evidence.
- Prove the other parent is actively harming the child-parent relationship. Hire an evaluator and mention times you cared for the child alone.
- Ensure witnesses have been interviewed.
- Your goal is not to prove your innocence but to prove that the other parent caused the alienation.
- Submit a detailed parenting plan showing how you can better facilitate the child’s best interests.
- Take a parenting class to be proactive.
Detecting or addressing parental alienation, or dealing with false allegations, is serious and has lasting consequences. Please contact our Illinois child custody lawyers today for a confidential consultation if you have concerns about parental alienation and how to proceed.
Frequently Asked Questions about Parental Alienation
What legal actions can I take if parental alienation is happening?
You may request the court to intervene by appointing a Guardian ad Litem (GAL), ordering counseling or therapy for the child and parents, modifying custody arrangements, or sanctioning the alienating parent if they violate court orders.
Can children recover from parental alienation?
Yes, children can recover with early intervention, consistent parenting, therapy, and a supportive legal environment. The process may be gradual, especially in severe or long-term cases, but positive outcomes are achievable.
What should I do if I am falsely accused of parental alienation?
Respond calmly but proactively: keep detailed records of interactions, seek court-appointed evaluations, engage therapists trained in high-conflict custody cases, maintain your relationship with your child, avoid disparaging the other parent, and request legal counsel to protect your rights.
Detecting parental alienation in a parent-child relationship or dealing with false allegations of parental alienation are serious matters with lasting consequences. Please contact our child custody lawyers Illinois today to schedule a confidential consultation if you have concerns about parental alienation and how to proceed.
