Parties who are divorcing are not typically known for communicating particularly well. This lack of positive communication more often than not leads to the demise of the marriage. So, at a pivotal time in your life, when you are trying to figure out how you will allocate all of your property and debts, as well as manage major decision-making and a schedule for your children, it is particularly challenging when your spouse refuses to communicate. All couples enter the divorce process in a different position, and some are better communicators than others. Some clients are able to work out the entire agreement as to the division of property and allocation of parental responsibilities without any attorney involvement. Some parties do not communicate at all and will only speak through their respective attorneys. Some couples fall somewhere on the middle of this spectrum.
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The Right Tools to Improve Communication
No matter where you start in the divorce process, it almost always benefits your family if you and your spouse can learn to communicate better, in the long run. That can start with the divorce process and the divorce process can help parties to implement the tools to be better co-parents and future communicators when the right resources are employed.
Mediation
Some parties fare better with a neutral third party involved in their communications. This could be someone such as a mediator, who works with the parties to try and come to a resolution on issues that are contested in a non-adversarial fashion. Parties can choose to mediate with their attorneys participating or by themselves with a mediator. Usually, when parties have difficulty communicating or a substantial amount of issues to work through, the attorneys will be involved in the mediation process. This helps the situation when the attorneys are mediation-minded and try to be conflict-neutral. They can be their client’s voice on issues the client may not want to discuss with their spouse present. They can help counsel their client in breakout rooms between mediation sessions to try and advise them as to why something is or is not a good idea, as opposed to going to mediation alone and speaking to their attorney afterward about whether what they agreed to is a good idea or not.
The mediation process is not binding, so it is entirely possible that a party could mediate an entire agreement alone with a mediator and their spouse, and then go to an attorney and find out the deal is terrible, and then the mediated agreement is rescinded, and the time and money spent on mediation is lost. Attorney-assisted mediation can prevent this from happening. The attorneys also, as the mouthpieces for the parties, can communicate with each other on behalf of their clients, based upon what their clients would like expressed. While this communication is not direct, it is still communication and it is still the parties trying to work towards a resolution.
Coaches, Therapists and More
For parties who do not speak at all and share minor children, there are experts who work in this field who have built practices upon getting parents who are divorcing to better communicate with one another. There are co-parenting coaches and co-parenting therapists, some of whom are attorneys, or psychiatrists, who will work both separately and together with parties to try and help them achieve optimal communication for the benefit of their children. They aren’t exactly mediators; they are neutral third parties who coach the parents or teach them the skills to get them on the same page and to try to get them to organically communicate effectively going forward. These experts sometimes stay involved beyond the entry of the divorce to continue to work with the parties going forward, to try and get them to continue to communicate.
Parenting Courses
There are also parenting courses the parties can take which help with becoming better communicators. In fact, all divorcing parents/all parents of children in a parentage case (non-married parents who separate) have to complete a parenting class pursuant to Illinois Supreme Court Rules. However, some of the aforementioned experts, such as parenting coaches or co-parenting therapists, also offer trainings and courses to help parties become better communicators, which the parties can agree to take.
Internet Apps
Finally, there are applications on the internet that help when a spouse refuses to communicate during divorce. These apps permit parties to communicate with each other directly via messaging similar to emailing, which tracks conversations. These applications can also track expenses, allow for shared calendars and more. They will tell the other parent if the party logged into the application and if and when they read a message that was sent, which forces parties to respond in a timely manner because they know the other party can see if they read the message. The application tracks the conversations and can allow the parties to purchase a certified record of the conversation for use in court, so parties tend to communicate in a more productive manner understanding a judge can read everything that is said. There are even “tone monitors” in some applications, which light up “green”, “yellow”, or “red” depending on the tone of what the person is typing, to try and help the author maintain a neutral or positive tone in their messages. Finally, a Guardian ad Litem or a Child Representative can also be linked into the parties’ accounts so that they can read messages on an ongoing basis. Having this monitoring often can help the parties communicate in a positive manner.
It is always in the best interest of the parties to communicate effectively during the divorce process. If you find yourself in a situation where you and your ex are not communicating better, contact one of our divorce attorneys to see what your options are.
