I want to start this article by congratulating you for your desire to promote a healthy co-parenting dynamic for your children with your spouse or partner. Healthy co-parenting after a separation is one of the most important ways to support your children emotionally, mentally, and developmentally.
Separation can be intensely confusing, painful, and emotionally charged. Prioritize the well-being of your kids with your coparent and establish a pattern of respectful and civil communication between you and your spouse. This will help reduce long-term harm and even create a stable, nurturing environment for children.
It will also help you in your coparenting case, because the Court will be extremely concerned on both your and your coparent’s ability to communicate in the allocation of parenting time and decision-making responsibilities.
This guide offers practical steps you can use today:
- process emotions before you reply, keep kids out of adult conflict,
- use social media wisely, talk through disputed issues in good faith, and
- know when to loop in your attorney.
Small, steady choices reduce stress and help your child feel secure while you and your co-parent build a workable new normal.
Processing Your Emotions on Your Time
It is very important to acknowledge that you may be feeling anger, confusion, pain, grief, or sorrow at the sudden change in your relationship with your co-parent. It is a wise decision not to involve them in those feelings.
The work of processing your perfectly valid and normal emotions will have to occur on your time and by your own method. It will not be aided by any effort to blame, interrogate, or accuse your co-parent of forcing this. If you do not have a place to vent your frustrations and emotions, it is important that you find a place to do that safely.
My recommendation is to set up and maintain therapy or a therapeutic environment. That will allow you to do so with the protection of a medical provider’s privilege. You can also pick up an inexpensive new hobby that helps you process your emotions. A lot of people start a jogging habit during a divorce, or pick up a new skill or craft. It gives you a positive place to use the energy so that you do not have to carry it with you all day.
Helping Your Kids Process Their Emotions
As intensely as you feel about the change in the dynamic with your former partner, the kids will be feeling it even more intensely. This is a huge shift in their lives. They will need both of you to support them to help them feel that things will be ok and to help them settle into a new normal. In that new normal, they see and spend time with their parents, but at different houses.
One of the things you can do to help facilitate that is to investigate giving them a place to process their own emotions, like therapy. You should always speak to your children respectfully and civilly about their other parent. Do not under any circumstances insult, demean, or otherwise diminish their other parent to them.
If they ask you questions about what is happening and why it is happening, try to refocus their attention onto the fact that both of their parents love them and that both of you want what is best for them. Let them know that you and your coparent are attempting to work things out in a method that does not involve them. Even if you have strong feelings about things happening in court, do not under any circumstances discuss it with your children.
Social Media and Text-Based Communications
I strongly recommend that you do not discuss in any way your ex, your coparenting dynamic, your kids, or other people involved in the case, online or in any written-format communication, like text messages or web-based application communications (Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, etc.).
Speaking to your Coparent with a Disputed Issue
If a dispute as to an issue arises with your coparent, the key is to remember that most of If a dispute as to an issue arises with your coparent, the key is to remember that most of those disputes come from a place of everyone operating in good faith. Even if you disagree with what they are requesting, or they disagree with what you are requesting, it is a good idea to assume good intentions and go from there.
All coparenting relationships require give-and-take. Things come up—cars break down, daycares close, a child or a parent gets sick. These will be realities for your lives as your children grow, and not just during the case. If a coparent comes to you asking for a reasonable modification or a reasonable accommodation, do your best to accommodate it. Then make a note of that so that when it is time for you to need an accommodation or modification, you can request the same.
Illinois Parenting Plans: What the Law Expects
In Illinois, parents are expected to submit a written parenting plan early in the case. In most matters, each parent files a proposed parenting plan within 120 days after the petition is served or an appearance is filed. The court can extend that deadline for good cause.
If you agree on a plan, the judge will review it to be sure it serves your child’s best interests. If you do not agree, the court will allocate decision-making (education, health care, religion, extracurriculars) and parenting time based on best-interest factors in the statute. Keeping your plan clear and child-focused reduces conflict and gives everyone a predictable routine.
Tools & Apps That Help Co-Parents Stay Organized
If texts and emails keep going sideways, a co-parenting app can lower the temperature. Two popular options are OurFamilyWizard and TalkingParents. Both offer one place to share calendars, messages, and documents. Messages are time-stamped and can’t be edited or deleted, which creates a clean record if you ever need to review what was said or when.
Helpful extras: read-receipts and downloadable reports; “ToneMeter™” in OurFamilyWizard to flag heated language before you hit send; and TalkingParents’ Accountable Calling with recorded and transcribed phone/video calls. Choose the tool that fits your budget and comfort level—the right app is the one you’ll actually use.
When Co-Parenting Isn’t Working: Legal Options in Illinois
If you hit a stalemate, mediation is often the next step. Illinois Supreme Court Rule 905 requires every circuit to have a mediation program for parenting-responsibility disputes, and in Cook County, mediation is mandatory for issues like initial or modified allocation of parental responsibilities and relocation. Mediation is confidential and focused on problem-solving, not blame.
When parenting time is being denied or chronically ignored, courts provide an expedited enforcement process. A parent can file a petition asking the court to enforce the existing plan or allocation judgment. Remedies can include make-up time, counseling, fines, or other appropriate relief.
If your plan truly isn’t working, you can ask the court to modify it. Parenting time may be modified when there’s a substantial change in circumstances that makes a change necessary to serve your child’s best interests; decision-making has its own standards and timing rules. An attorney can help you evaluate whether your facts meet the legal threshold.
Build a clear parenting time plan – See How we can help
Working With an Attorney
An experienced, helpful family law attorney can help you craft communications that say what you intend, clearly and safely, so a miscommunication doesn’t put you in legal jeopardy. If you have concerns about how to respond to a disputed issue or a question, or about any communication to or from your co-parent, you are always welcome and encouraged to run it past your attorney before you send it. It’s better to check first than to learn what went wrong after the fact.
If you’d like thoughtful, practical help with your co-parenting communications or parenting plan in Illinois, schedule a confidential consultation with Anderson Boback & Marshall.
Illinois Co-Parenting FAQs: Parenting Plans, Mediation & Enforcement
What belongs in an Illinois parenting plan?
Illinois law expects a written plan – usually filed within 120 days of starting a case—that covers parenting time, who makes significant decisions (school, health care, religion, activities), exchanges, holidays, and how you’ll resolve disputes. Judges approve plans based on your child’s best interests under the statute.
How can co-parenting apps help (and which ones)?
Tools like OurFamilyWizard and TalkingParents centralize calendars and messages, with time-stamped, non-editable records, shared docs, and reports (some offer tone coaching or recorded calls). If texts keep derailing, using one platform lowers confusion and creates a clean history if the court later needs it.
What if my co-parent won’t follow the plan?
Illinois provides an expedited enforcement path if parenting time is denied or ignored. You can petition the court for remedies like make-up time and other relief under the IMDMA. Keep neutral, dated records before you file.
Do we have to try mediation in parenting disputes?
Illinois Supreme Court Rule 905 requires every circuit to have a mediation program for parenting responsibility disputes, and Cook County commonly orders mediation in these cases. Mediation is confidential and often faster than motion practice.
Can I change (modify) our parenting plan later?
Yes – courts can modify parenting time when there’s a change in circumstances and a change is necessary for the child’s best interests; decision-making changes have their own timing/standards. An attorney can help you assess if your facts meet the threshold.
